Pep Diary: Days 4, 5.

Friday was Day 4.

I felt very lethargic in the morning. I took it at 7am and this time I told myself 7am and 7pm would be the times I would be consistently taking the medication. I later met with a friend and felt extremely nauseous in the car. I had also not eaten that much that day. We went for lunch and I chose options that would be alright for my stomach. I got a banana and honey smoothie which actually helped relieve my stomach pain for quite a few hours. I'm definitely getting something like that again. I took my night tablet and went grocery shopping for apple juice which I've heard is a good helper for nausea.

Saturday is Day 5.

I feel actually not so bad today. I didn't go out last night, had a decent 8 hours sleep, woke up at 7am to take my tablet and fell asleep again till 11am. I think the apple juice is really helping. I'm surprised I haven't vomited yet in the past 5 days. Even though I feel like I need to, it doesn't "come out" per se. Also I'm cautious of vomiting straight after taking the tablet as this would mean I'd miss a dose, which I don't want to do. My diet has changed dramatically, I used to solely rely on veggies and lean protein meats and now I'm eating my life away with carbs, not counting my calories, not consuming my protein shakes as I'm too weak to go to the gym first off and I normally mix it with milk. Furthermore, I'm living off salt crackers. I'm going to go to the gym tomorrow like I usually do, I'm expecting some weaknesses though. I really hope these side effects don't continue on to next week. I've been reading about the success of combivir and all the research I've found have led it to conclude that it's successful.. I also took the medication within 4 hours so that's really quick, on average people take it 33 hours after exposure. I guess I can't stop thinking WHAT IF this doesn't work, and I'll really not know what to do. But I'm staying positive and hopeful, I think it's best I see a counsellor next week. I can't help feeling like I got raped. I don't really hate myself because I know I did all the precautionary measures that I could. I more hate the person that took advantage of me, and I hate that this is not a rule embedded in the gay community. It's sickening and in my opinion practically rape.

Pep Diary: Days 1, 2, 3.

I thought I would start this Pep diary to keep me on track with my medication and to also discuss my emotions. I feel closed off and isolated lately and I feel like this is a good medium for me.

I had a possible exposure on Tuesday at 3PM.

I rushed to the hospital and got onto a 2 dose medication of Pep. 1 tablet twice a day.

I took my first tablet at 7PM that night with dinner.

It is now Thursday 7PM and I am about to have dinner and my next tablet.

Day 1, on the Tuesday night, was fine. I didn't experience any side effects. What I experienced more was immense regret, heartache and disappointment in myself. I can't believe I got myself into this position. I already had an incident which I told myself "I need to play safe from now on". However I honestly think that this was not my fault. Yes it was a random guy, but I was always grabbing the penis and ensuring there was a condom on it. Except the last position. This is where I really did want to not be alive anymore. He tried to insert it into me with the condom on (I felt it). After 5 minutes of trying he finally went in and we fucked. He withdrew his penis after about another 5-10 minutes, I don't think he came because there was no orgasm noise or anything but then again he very well could have because then why would he withdraw? Anyway, he withdrew his penis as I was in doggy style so I couldn't see what was going on. I turned around and there was no condom on his penis. At this point my heart just sank. I asked him "did you fuck me raw?", he replied with a moan and said "...yeah". And at this point I was about to punch him and said "wtf dude?". I thought he may have not heard me well so I asked him again, "did you fuck me bareback?!" and he said "What? No, I took the condom off" but that doesn't mean jack fucking shit does it. Did he take it off to put it inside me or take it off at the end? He continued to tell me he was clean and always played safe, but that's as good a word as anyone else saying it.

That night I really did not want to be alive, I cried myself to sleep and closed myself off to the whole world. Thinking about it now, I'm tearing up.

I told myself, it's fine. He could actually be clean. He could actually have used a condom. He could actually have not ejaculated. It's fine. I told myself taking this for a month is better than taking it for the rest of my life. It's better to be safe than sorry.

Day 2 was Wednesday. The side effects are really starting to get to me. The nausea is excruciating. I'm already a really hard sleeper so now it's even harder to sleep. Later in the evening my legs started to hurt and I notice my muscles aren't bulging like they used to when I used to regularly go to the gym. I'm not sure if this is a side effect but I certainly feel weak and frail. It's hard to do simple things.

Day 3 is Thursday. Today. I had work in the morning and felt incredibly frail and faded. It didn't help that I couldn't take time to sit down and chill for a bit or get  something to it. I woke up this morning with diarrhea and during my shift felt like I wanted to vomit. I had a nap and woke up even worse. My head is pounding. What's worse is I keep thinking about the incident. I keep thinking about "what if this doesn't work?" or "what if I end up Poz after this?". I start crying and I feel like shit. I want these 28 days to be over, I feel sick inside and day by day I hate myself. I think I need to see a counsellor because it's going to be so hard for me to go uni next week when I feel so unconfident and weak and sad.

I just have 25 more days. Cmon, you can do this.

Everything I read is poisoning my mind. I read on an Australian organisation document that the 3 weeks cost like $500. Where the fuck am I going to get this money from. I don't have private health fund.

I'm seeing the doctor on Monday 10am, which I can't wait to go to because it signifies another 3 weeks, a quarter of the way through. I don't even want to see friends right now, I like to be by myself because I can't show this side of me to anyone.

Filling the emotional gap.

So I recently went home with a guy.

Yeah, I don't really know how to start this story.

Basically, here is the very short version of it. I had been talking to this guy for a while, texting, of course some of it was dirty talk, but there was also cute texts in there. Cute does not equate to fuck buddy. I don't know, that's just my opinion. Compliments, asking how's your day, how was your Xmas, FAMILY, no. Ok maybe I'm being a bit over the top, but if I want to simply root and boot you, I'm going to ask you "What you up to today?" "Nothing" "Come over". Do not drag me on for 3 fucking weeks asking me about my sick father and about what a smart boy I am. You don't care about my brain when you're in me. Ugh.

Excuse my French and my horrible language but it just agitates me. It agitates me how when guys aren't upfront with what they want it's confusing to know where you stand but also when guys know what they want and it's not quite on the same page as yourself, you seem to lash out at them for something that's not really their fault..

I'm not going to lie. I love sex. I love having one night stands sometimes. I like meeting new people, hitting it off and banging. Not gonna lie. 

Ok I left this post as a draft for about a week, I totally forgot about it.

But I actually ended up seeing him out one night and he totally gave me a half assed hi. Ok douche bag. I'm just gonna keep him as a "if I'm bored I'll hit you up" sorta thing, not worth the trouble. Leading on cunt.

When do you stop growing up?

I recently was feeling a bit down in the dumps about my experiences whilst going out, meeting new guys and all that jazz. I concluded to myself this was all because I was young. I'm still a freshman. Well actually I'd be a sophomore now considering it's my 2nd year post-18 years of age and in the gay scene. But regardless, I told myself that things will get better when I'm older. It'll be easier for me to meet new guys, go on dates, hook up, go out and have fun when I'm not so much envisioned as the baby of the group (being the gay scene).

It got so far that I even put an age on it.

22.

Things will get better when I'm 22. I mean Taylor Swift sang about it. I'm not a teen anymore. I won't be looked at as a baby. But 20 is the "base age" I guess. You might as well start from 0. 21 is a great time because although it only possesses some sort of liberating yet extraditable legality as in the States, synonymous with the hegemony and Westernisation-norm they convey, it's still a great age to celebrate in Australia and other countries alike. I envision 21 to be that sort of party age but. 21 is when you party heaps, everyone around you is turning 21. We're all maturing. And best of yet, it's the age I see the most casual sex happening. Why? You're equidistant from the young kids and the old kids. Well I guess so in the predominant gay scene. Then again, this is merely what I've envisioned and of course am possessory of bias.But then why 22? Because everyone gets over a slut phase, but they still want to sleep around but there's a greater want to date and settle down because let's face it you can't stay in the scene forever.

It's sort of like that stigma that's present in high school. The Year 7s, the new kids on the block, although had some form of superiority in primary school are completely void of that upon entering a totally new community and scene. There's the innocent Year 7s contrasting ever so starkly to those that are "mature" for their age, in my high school these were the ones that spoke so profoundly about sex, masturbation, drinking, cigarettes and in some instances drug use. There were the Year 8s whose claims would be a bit more truth-based merely on the impression that they were older than the Year 7s. It's that stigma that Year 7s pretty much only hang out with their group, give or take 1 year, then there were the ones who were a bit rebellious for their age they hung out with the older guys (albeit a bad influence).

However, I find it so odd considering I pretty much lived the final, senior years of high school in anticipation of turning 18 to finally be who I am freely. Although a lot has been fulfilled, such as meeting some of the most amazing people of my life at university, through friends or even at nightclubs that I regularly keep in contact with (and may even be reading this post), I still don't feel fully immersed in the gay scene. I feel like one of those bananas that are still green but are slowly turning yellow. You can't make banana bread out of it, it doesn't taste as good as it is when it's yellow, but it's recommended to pick them out from the groceries this shade because it's pretty much going to be staying out on the kitchen bench so long that over time it'll ripen.

Weird metaphor, I know, but it totally makes sense.

Time makes things better and heals.

But how about when I'm 22. What if things aren't right? Will I say to myself then:  things will get better when I'm 25. Things will get better when I'm 30. 35? I have no clue.

I feel like I will always be stuck in this void of wanting to grow up and not being satisfied with what I have at whatever age I am because I have this perceived image in the back of my head about what it feels like to be a certain age. Especially since my perceptions have been right so far being 18 and 19. I turn 20 in December and I can't imagine things changing simply in a day. It's a perception I have gained over time. In all honestly I feel like 19 was such a shitty age. Nothing big really happened, which exactly was my perception. It was that "filler" age.

I guess the best thing I can do is be the best 19 year old or whatever-age-old I am at that specific moment in time. If it conforms to my stereotype, I guess I won't realise it until I really do sit down and ponder about how I act in accordance with my age. Writing this I do realise that age is not indicative of maturity. No way. Some people of a certain age may even have a falsified maturity about themselves and be broken inside. It's very strange.

I guess I'm just super excited to be finishing another chapter of my life and the new-leaf is synonymous with a turnover of who I am, a new chapter.

Why Nicki Minaj's 'Anaconda' is the feminist anthem of the year.

I'll start off by saying, no this is not a sarcastic post.

It will definitely be something highly influenced by one's own moral compass, inevitably debatable and my entire opinion can be quashed by those of others, but I guess this is my perspective from everything I've learnt about societal concerns about feminism and the pivotal obligation of feminists on achieving gender equality.

As Beyonce reiterated in her epitomous song '***Flawless':

Feminism - The advocacy of women’s rights on the ground of the equality of the sexes.

These grounds of equality include social, political, economic, sexual, cultural, etc.

Now, what sparked this opinion of mine? Well of course it was Nicki's performance at the 2014 VMAs juxtaposed against Beyonce's iconic medley of her album. This included the interlude during the transition from Bow Down to Flawless in which the following is said with FEMINIST in capital letters behind her:

We teach girls to shrink themselves, to make themselves smaller
We say to girls: "You can have ambition, but not too much
You should aim to be successful, but not too successful
Otherwise, you will threaten the man"
Because I am female, I am expected to aspire to marriage
I am expected to make my life choices
Always keeping in mind that marriage is the most important
Now, marriage can be a source of joy and love and mutual support
But why do we teach girls to aspire to marriage
And we don't teach boys the same?
We raise girls to see each other as competitors
Not for jobs or for accomplishments, which I think can be a good thing
But for the attention of men
We teach girls that they cannot be sexual beings in the way that boys are
Feminist: a person who believes in the social
Political, and economic equality of the sexes

I just personally think it's highly hypocritical and farcical that we can't proclaim Nicki Minaj as a feminist but we can with Beyonce or even Jennifer Lopez (both of whom I also adore listening to and love, this is not a diss post).

I don't feel like Nicki and Beyonce are polar opposites, but Nicki is an animated, hyper-stigmatised version of Beyonce. Beyonce is married, has a child, her tour is called "Mrs. Carter" and has definitely championed some unique genres, sounds, aspects of the music industry. Nicki, in contrast, is extremely dependent on sexuality, constantly tittilating us with her quirky raps, her inhibition to create music, personas and auras that exude extreme nonchalance at external opinion and perspectives. Nicki raps about having sex with guys, having money, having a big ass and although one can conclude, of course depending on your moral compass, that these may be areas that are better not said, this actually emphasises Nicki's role as a feminist icon.

Why's that? I seek to clarify the difference between pride and sexual objectification. I also seek to disprove the conclusion that sexual objectification almost always compromises the ability for the entire theory of feminism to evolve and grow.

Nicki is a female rapper. Constantly calling herself the "Queen of Rap" (which of course is highly debatable), it is no doubt that Nicki's uprising, predominantly since the release of 'Super Bass', has been a rockclimb with a hefty napsack through the heavily emasculated hegemony of the rap industry. Joining the names of Lil Kim, Missy Elliot, Eve and the like, Nicki joined the club of caricatures of freelance, feminine sexuality and aspired to be one of the most notable people in the rap and music industry regardless of class (from Southside Jamaica Queens), race (a Black American) and sex (female).

The ubiquitous sample of Sir Mix-a-lot's 'Baby Got Back' reverses the narrative of human sexuality. How about we discuss the fact that instead of me liking a girl's beautiful behind, we turn it on its head and talk about how I'm proud of my great behind and it is not necessarily an object of the masculine race but a gift which I choose to give to people. Moving on to the single cover, which sparked incredible controversy, it definitely highlights our need to ensure sexual portrayal is equal. This is one part I did find maybe a bit contrary to my argument, but I ultimately conceded that we see men in underwear, shirtless, or sexually provocative just as much as we see women. Nicki is saying she has a beautiful behind and she's proud of it. One may argue that such provokes sexual objectification, that this is simply to please male desires and express the empirical nature of scantily clad women.

“The song ‘Anaconda’ is a bold, sex-positive statement about a woman’s ability to own her own body and sexuality. The video, though, completely fails to follow through on the song’s potential for a powerful feminist message, instead relying on the tired trope of hypersexualizing women’s bodies,” Sophie Kleeman wrote for Mic when the video dropped online. “It opens with Minaj and a gaggle of backup dancers in a jungle setting, writhing and sweaty as they grind against the ground and each other. It also features Minaj in a kitchen, chomping down on a banana and covering herself with whipped cream. Drake also makes an appearance — but only as a prop for a lap dance during which, as Gawker informed us, he got a ‘boner.’ This maybe doesn’t count as empowering anyone except Drake.”

Most people would argue that this scene displays the most sexual objectification but it is the subtle hints that show it isn't. Nicki is showcasing her control over her man. It is her choice to twerk on Drake, and the moment Drake decides to try to grab a slice of her cake, she whisks his hand away and walks off. What does this mean? It means, boy, I was trying to show you my beautiful assets but you just ruined it by trying to grab it without my permission. Bye Felicia.

It is obvious that Nicki is not the most modest person, constantly boasting the fact she is an empire. Perfume. Fashion. Music. Even her own moscato. The one thing we hate is her gloating but this actually simply displays her nature to be the battering ram in her industry's hegemony, simply microcosmic and symbolic of the struggles that females in employment and other areas where they may not be able to make money. Nicki simply shows it's possible. I can already imagine one refuting me saying "Yeah, but she made all that money on being fake. On her fake ass. Her fake tits." No, not really. She told us "I ain't a businesswoman, I am a business, woman." in her verse in Madonna's 'I Don't Give A'. It was in her critically panned song 'Beez In The Trap' that she talks about getting the money. Even in her iconic verse in 'Monster':

"And if I'm fake, I ain't notice cause my money ain't!"

Actually even on that very song, Monster, Nicki was the only female rapper with Jay Z, Kanye West, Rick Ross and I don't even know if there was anymore people on that song, but you get the point. And guess what. Her verse was pretty much agreed as the best in the song, and pretty much it's universally agreed that's the best of her career.

Beyonce's surprise album was applauded as a feminist appraisal. It discussed female sexuality, self esteem, appearance and self acceptance. We find her 16 minute performance at the VMAs which included pole dancing, singing about "can't keep your eyes of this fatty Daddy", and the holy-moly silhouette of her grand-derriere during Partition, feministic; but we don't find Minaj's pride anthem.

We find 'Fancy' by Iggy Azalea, a song about material gains being synonymous with status and superiority in a highly capitalistic (somewhat Bladerunner) world inspiring and pretty much accepted, yet we don't find Minaj's outspoken pride of her personal appearance acceptable.

Minaj is simply a caricature of all things we find acceptable, she is highly animated, crowd-striking and eye-opening. I implore you to venture deeper than Minaj's sexualised lyrics and realise the control and complete posture she has in her career and music. It is something which we don't need to conclude as sexual objectification. Pride does not equate to sexual objectification, but also on the other spectrum, does not equate with narcissism. Pride in a sexual sector does not equate with the conformity a woman possesses to please the male eye. It would be non-feminist in itself if we didn't bring up the fact that men themselves operate within a social hierarchy predominantly dependent on physical appearance, muscles and masculinity. Instead of creating a scale based on objectification we should acknowledge that people come in different shapes, sizes and looks, it is also possible to create whatever look you want to achieve and such is dependent on personal self acceptance.

I don't know, I literally just wrote this in about 5 minutes because it annoys me everyone pays out this song but loves Beyonce for her sexuality. It's like, double standards peeps? I think I didn't portray my opinion that greatly, but you get the point.

Falling for the one night stand.

Now I know a lot of people take the use of "love" and "liking someone" quite rigid as to its socially-constructed meaning, primarily being the predominant normative presupposition that it requires time to fall in love with someone; ie. the concept of love at first sight is non-existent. (I write this as I ad lib Kylie Minogue).

So regarding the title, I guess "falling" just means "falling for someone" not necessarily falling in love. Heck, I wouldn't even call it love myself. I would say love is developed over time, the moment you go out with someone or are in a relationship with someone, I don't even think that's love yet. I'm not sure how I would define love, probably because I know that I haven't yet had my first love. I've had a lot of likes, lusts and lingering affections, but I've never experienced love.

Anyway, besides that conversational tangent, let's get back to the main focus of my post today which is gaining feelings for someone you have a one night stand with. Now obviously this won't be a scenario or necessarily reflective of what the regular person or midnight lustrous perceives, it certainly has not happened to me before with my numerous sexual escapades, but this is something that has recently occurred to me. So take this from a narrative and personal perspective.

So I met this guy at a club that knows some of my friends, immediately making out on the dance floor and me vivaciously perusing him as to the extent of his inclination to retreat back to his place to bang, I thought "dang, this guy is hot". I was in that mood. It had been a while for me to have any sexual experience with a guy, and quite frankly, I needed to get laid. (Of course again, read this with a personal perspective, even though this may not be your preferred method of sexual relieving one's self).

Only when we were leaving the club and stopped making out to get a taxi did I finally talk to him, getting his name and trying to give off this facade that I'm actually not a slut (I think it's because it may be a bit of a turn off for some), we were engaging in great banter and conversation.

So yeah, we had sex.

And then we continued to spoon, cuddle and then both slept.

I had woken up with his arms around me and vice versa. It was in the morning that I didn't have this feeling of regret, nor did I have a feeling of the relief that I finally got laid. But I was like "wow, this guy was great". Not just in bed, but by how he acted in bed.

I guess it should be customary for people you have intercourse with to respect your wants and needs and obviously not do things without your consent, but I don't know how to explain it. He was gentle, and soft, and diligent. He wasn't awkward in the morning, we continued talking even proceeding to get the train together and continue talking. For example, about the friends in common we had etc.

It's only now that like 4 days later that this guy has been on my mind every day that maybe I am gaining feelings for this guy. I actually want to see him again. The moment you see a one night stand again, it doesn't become a one night stand. It either eventuates into:

1. A two night stand.
2. A one night stand turning into a date.

And of course the list continues on from wherever the last branch was.

Some people pursue one night stands and random, casual sex as means of tallying up or purely for the sake of it, placing minimal moral value on sex. But it's weird because, that is me at times. I don't really care about the ethics of random and casual sex. It's pleasurable, and something I think everyone should be able to loosen up and experience. But it's undeniable that during intercourse itself, although purely sexual, emotions are still in play. You're not going to have sex with someone you're not sexually attracted to, at least physically to say the least. You're not going to lay there while you're being brutally penetrated not thinking "man this guy is hot" or "his body feels so good" and so forth. It is still an opinion and emotion. And the susceptibility for one to infiltrate sexual emotion into love and affection is something which is highly catalytic in someone's ability to fall for someone they have a one night stand with.

Deep down I know it's a recipe for disaster, ie. me hoping to meet this guy again for a date. It has happened once before where I didn't end up meeting a one night stand I had felt similarly (but not to such a great extent as this) with, only to be telling myself "I told you that you would get hurt".

But what is it? It's the concept of masquerading and facading to avoid unlimited exposure to one's inner emotional sphere, purely for the sake of minimising embarrassment or looking like an idiot.

It's like, imagine if the morning after you told them you liked them? They would just look at you and be like, but how do you know that? It's the inability of another person to fully comprehend another's innate feelings in such a limited amount of time. So maybe by that very virtue it is impossible, non-sensical, or at the minimum non "definitional" to be falling for someone after a one night stand.

But I guess I'll have to see how it goes, and so be it, I get tricked a 2nd time, but I guess it'll be another stepping stone on my not-so-yellow brick road to ascertaining my own capabilities sexually and amorously.

Review: Courtney Act live at the Beresford Hotel.

On  20 July, the Beresford Hotel and its highly popular Sunday night was delightfully dazzled by internationally home-grown drag queen Courtney Act for a welcome home party.

Courtney Act has been an iconic figure in the Sydney gay community and scene. Although I only reached the ripe age of 18 two years ago, she has been lingering in the backdrop, seeping her way into seemingly hetero Australian culture, appearing on Australian Idol for its first season (which I do shockingly remember!). She's been legendary in her efforts at promoting Mardi Gras Sydney and promoting gay events such as at the numerous gay clubs in Sydney over the years.

Her big shot came when she was in the sixth season of RuPaul's Drag Race, achieving success by finishing in the top 3 alongside Adore Delano and Bianca Del Rio.

Sunday would be the first time I would see Courtney Act live even though I had been "in the scene" for two years. The audience was delighted with other drag queen performances to prep us up for the big one. The music was a mixture of tribal house, electrified classics and modern favourites, which got me extremely anxious to see the queen in action.

Courtney came out, for what was classified as a promotion of the globalisation of Sydney Mardi Gras. She generously sang 3 songs - All the Lovers by Kylie Minogue, Mean Gays by herself, and A Little Party Never Killed Nobody by Fergie (which Courtney's version at Mardi Gras Party 2014 absolutely slayed).

I was so amazed and shocked by how great her performances were and how unique she is as a drag queen, her singing ability is top-notch. Everyone in the audience was greatly proud of her, especially how she never lets go of her roots, even going on so far to tell us how her song Mean Gays was actually somewhat inspired by the people she knew in Potts Point.

 

After the show, Courtney greeted her fans, taking photos and doing signatures, which my friend and I (left) were luckily enough to get a quick photo and have a mini conversation with her. She exuberated nothing but utter kindness and she was certainly not a bitch. I know a lot of people that feel that Courtney came off a bit bitchy in the show, but I feel this is certainly misrepresentation as she was so nice to us after the show calling us cute and engaging in conversation with us.

Thank you Courtney for meeting us, an amazing show, and doing Australia proud not only on RuPaul's Drag Race but for all your numerous efforts of support for the Australian gay community over the years.