I thought I would start this Pep diary to keep me on track with my medication and to also discuss my emotions. I feel closed off and isolated lately and I feel like this is a good medium for me.
I had a possible exposure on Tuesday at 3PM.
I rushed to the hospital and got onto a 2 dose medication of Pep. 1 tablet twice a day.
I took my first tablet at 7PM that night with dinner.
It is now Thursday 7PM and I am about to have dinner and my next tablet.
Day 1, on the Tuesday night, was fine. I didn't experience any side effects. What I experienced more was immense regret, heartache and disappointment in myself. I can't believe I got myself into this position. I already had an incident which I told myself "I need to play safe from now on". However I honestly think that this was not my fault. Yes it was a random guy, but I was always grabbing the penis and ensuring there was a condom on it. Except the last position. This is where I really did want to not be alive anymore. He tried to insert it into me with the condom on (I felt it). After 5 minutes of trying he finally went in and we fucked. He withdrew his penis after about another 5-10 minutes, I don't think he came because there was no orgasm noise or anything but then again he very well could have because then why would he withdraw? Anyway, he withdrew his penis as I was in doggy style so I couldn't see what was going on. I turned around and there was no condom on his penis. At this point my heart just sank. I asked him "did you fuck me raw?", he replied with a moan and said "...yeah". And at this point I was about to punch him and said "wtf dude?". I thought he may have not heard me well so I asked him again, "did you fuck me bareback?!" and he said "What? No, I took the condom off" but that doesn't mean jack fucking shit does it. Did he take it off to put it inside me or take it off at the end? He continued to tell me he was clean and always played safe, but that's as good a word as anyone else saying it.
That night I really did not want to be alive, I cried myself to sleep and closed myself off to the whole world. Thinking about it now, I'm tearing up.
I told myself, it's fine. He could actually be clean. He could actually have used a condom. He could actually have not ejaculated. It's fine. I told myself taking this for a month is better than taking it for the rest of my life. It's better to be safe than sorry.
Day 2 was Wednesday. The side effects are really starting to get to me. The nausea is excruciating. I'm already a really hard sleeper so now it's even harder to sleep. Later in the evening my legs started to hurt and I notice my muscles aren't bulging like they used to when I used to regularly go to the gym. I'm not sure if this is a side effect but I certainly feel weak and frail. It's hard to do simple things.
Day 3 is Thursday. Today. I had work in the morning and felt incredibly frail and faded. It didn't help that I couldn't take time to sit down and chill for a bit or get something to it. I woke up this morning with diarrhea and during my shift felt like I wanted to vomit. I had a nap and woke up even worse. My head is pounding. What's worse is I keep thinking about the incident. I keep thinking about "what if this doesn't work?" or "what if I end up Poz after this?". I start crying and I feel like shit. I want these 28 days to be over, I feel sick inside and day by day I hate myself. I think I need to see a counsellor because it's going to be so hard for me to go uni next week when I feel so unconfident and weak and sad.
I just have 25 more days. Cmon, you can do this.
Everything I read is poisoning my mind. I read on an Australian organisation document that the 3 weeks cost like $500. Where the fuck am I going to get this money from. I don't have private health fund.
I'm seeing the doctor on Monday 10am, which I can't wait to go to because it signifies another 3 weeks, a quarter of the way through. I don't even want to see friends right now, I like to be by myself because I can't show this side of me to anyone.
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