I recently was feeling a bit down in the dumps about my experiences whilst going out, meeting new guys and all that jazz. I concluded to myself this was all because I was young. I'm still a freshman. Well actually I'd be a sophomore now considering it's my 2nd year post-18 years of age and in the gay scene. But regardless, I told myself that things will get better when I'm older. It'll be easier for me to meet new guys, go on dates, hook up, go out and have fun when I'm not so much envisioned as the baby of the group (being the gay scene).
It got so far that I even put an age on it.
22.
Things will get better when I'm 22. I mean Taylor Swift sang about it. I'm not a teen anymore. I won't be looked at as a baby. But 20 is the "base age" I guess. You might as well start from 0. 21 is a great time because although it only possesses some sort of liberating yet extraditable legality as in the States, synonymous with the hegemony and Westernisation-norm they convey, it's still a great age to celebrate in Australia and other countries alike. I envision 21 to be that sort of party age but. 21 is when you party heaps, everyone around you is turning 21. We're all maturing. And best of yet, it's the age I see the most casual sex happening. Why? You're equidistant from the young kids and the old kids. Well I guess so in the predominant gay scene. Then again, this is merely what I've envisioned and of course am possessory of bias.But then why 22? Because everyone gets over a slut phase, but they still want to sleep around but there's a greater want to date and settle down because let's face it you can't stay in the scene forever.
It's sort of like that stigma that's present in high school. The Year 7s, the new kids on the block, although had some form of superiority in primary school are completely void of that upon entering a totally new community and scene. There's the innocent Year 7s contrasting ever so starkly to those that are "mature" for their age, in my high school these were the ones that spoke so profoundly about sex, masturbation, drinking, cigarettes and in some instances drug use. There were the Year 8s whose claims would be a bit more truth-based merely on the impression that they were older than the Year 7s. It's that stigma that Year 7s pretty much only hang out with their group, give or take 1 year, then there were the ones who were a bit rebellious for their age they hung out with the older guys (albeit a bad influence).
However, I find it so odd considering I pretty much lived the final, senior years of high school in anticipation of turning 18 to finally be who I am freely. Although a lot has been fulfilled, such as meeting some of the most amazing people of my life at university, through friends or even at nightclubs that I regularly keep in contact with (and may even be reading this post), I still don't feel fully immersed in the gay scene. I feel like one of those bananas that are still green but are slowly turning yellow. You can't make banana bread out of it, it doesn't taste as good as it is when it's yellow, but it's recommended to pick them out from the groceries this shade because it's pretty much going to be staying out on the kitchen bench so long that over time it'll ripen.
Weird metaphor, I know, but it totally makes sense.
Time makes things better and heals.
But how about when I'm 22. What if things aren't right? Will I say to myself then: things will get better when I'm 25. Things will get better when I'm 30. 35? I have no clue.
I feel like I will always be stuck in this void of wanting to grow up and not being satisfied with what I have at whatever age I am because I have this perceived image in the back of my head about what it feels like to be a certain age. Especially since my perceptions have been right so far being 18 and 19. I turn 20 in December and I can't imagine things changing simply in a day. It's a perception I have gained over time. In all honestly I feel like 19 was such a shitty age. Nothing big really happened, which exactly was my perception. It was that "filler" age.
I guess the best thing I can do is be the best 19 year old or whatever-age-old I am at that specific moment in time. If it conforms to my stereotype, I guess I won't realise it until I really do sit down and ponder about how I act in accordance with my age. Writing this I do realise that age is not indicative of maturity. No way. Some people of a certain age may even have a falsified maturity about themselves and be broken inside. It's very strange.
I guess I'm just super excited to be finishing another chapter of my life and the new-leaf is synonymous with a turnover of who I am, a new chapter.
