Pep Diary: Days 4, 5.

Friday was Day 4.

I felt very lethargic in the morning. I took it at 7am and this time I told myself 7am and 7pm would be the times I would be consistently taking the medication. I later met with a friend and felt extremely nauseous in the car. I had also not eaten that much that day. We went for lunch and I chose options that would be alright for my stomach. I got a banana and honey smoothie which actually helped relieve my stomach pain for quite a few hours. I'm definitely getting something like that again. I took my night tablet and went grocery shopping for apple juice which I've heard is a good helper for nausea.

Saturday is Day 5.

I feel actually not so bad today. I didn't go out last night, had a decent 8 hours sleep, woke up at 7am to take my tablet and fell asleep again till 11am. I think the apple juice is really helping. I'm surprised I haven't vomited yet in the past 5 days. Even though I feel like I need to, it doesn't "come out" per se. Also I'm cautious of vomiting straight after taking the tablet as this would mean I'd miss a dose, which I don't want to do. My diet has changed dramatically, I used to solely rely on veggies and lean protein meats and now I'm eating my life away with carbs, not counting my calories, not consuming my protein shakes as I'm too weak to go to the gym first off and I normally mix it with milk. Furthermore, I'm living off salt crackers. I'm going to go to the gym tomorrow like I usually do, I'm expecting some weaknesses though. I really hope these side effects don't continue on to next week. I've been reading about the success of combivir and all the research I've found have led it to conclude that it's successful.. I also took the medication within 4 hours so that's really quick, on average people take it 33 hours after exposure. I guess I can't stop thinking WHAT IF this doesn't work, and I'll really not know what to do. But I'm staying positive and hopeful, I think it's best I see a counsellor next week. I can't help feeling like I got raped. I don't really hate myself because I know I did all the precautionary measures that I could. I more hate the person that took advantage of me, and I hate that this is not a rule embedded in the gay community. It's sickening and in my opinion practically rape.

Pep Diary: Days 1, 2, 3.

I thought I would start this Pep diary to keep me on track with my medication and to also discuss my emotions. I feel closed off and isolated lately and I feel like this is a good medium for me.

I had a possible exposure on Tuesday at 3PM.

I rushed to the hospital and got onto a 2 dose medication of Pep. 1 tablet twice a day.

I took my first tablet at 7PM that night with dinner.

It is now Thursday 7PM and I am about to have dinner and my next tablet.

Day 1, on the Tuesday night, was fine. I didn't experience any side effects. What I experienced more was immense regret, heartache and disappointment in myself. I can't believe I got myself into this position. I already had an incident which I told myself "I need to play safe from now on". However I honestly think that this was not my fault. Yes it was a random guy, but I was always grabbing the penis and ensuring there was a condom on it. Except the last position. This is where I really did want to not be alive anymore. He tried to insert it into me with the condom on (I felt it). After 5 minutes of trying he finally went in and we fucked. He withdrew his penis after about another 5-10 minutes, I don't think he came because there was no orgasm noise or anything but then again he very well could have because then why would he withdraw? Anyway, he withdrew his penis as I was in doggy style so I couldn't see what was going on. I turned around and there was no condom on his penis. At this point my heart just sank. I asked him "did you fuck me raw?", he replied with a moan and said "...yeah". And at this point I was about to punch him and said "wtf dude?". I thought he may have not heard me well so I asked him again, "did you fuck me bareback?!" and he said "What? No, I took the condom off" but that doesn't mean jack fucking shit does it. Did he take it off to put it inside me or take it off at the end? He continued to tell me he was clean and always played safe, but that's as good a word as anyone else saying it.

That night I really did not want to be alive, I cried myself to sleep and closed myself off to the whole world. Thinking about it now, I'm tearing up.

I told myself, it's fine. He could actually be clean. He could actually have used a condom. He could actually have not ejaculated. It's fine. I told myself taking this for a month is better than taking it for the rest of my life. It's better to be safe than sorry.

Day 2 was Wednesday. The side effects are really starting to get to me. The nausea is excruciating. I'm already a really hard sleeper so now it's even harder to sleep. Later in the evening my legs started to hurt and I notice my muscles aren't bulging like they used to when I used to regularly go to the gym. I'm not sure if this is a side effect but I certainly feel weak and frail. It's hard to do simple things.

Day 3 is Thursday. Today. I had work in the morning and felt incredibly frail and faded. It didn't help that I couldn't take time to sit down and chill for a bit or get  something to it. I woke up this morning with diarrhea and during my shift felt like I wanted to vomit. I had a nap and woke up even worse. My head is pounding. What's worse is I keep thinking about the incident. I keep thinking about "what if this doesn't work?" or "what if I end up Poz after this?". I start crying and I feel like shit. I want these 28 days to be over, I feel sick inside and day by day I hate myself. I think I need to see a counsellor because it's going to be so hard for me to go uni next week when I feel so unconfident and weak and sad.

I just have 25 more days. Cmon, you can do this.

Everything I read is poisoning my mind. I read on an Australian organisation document that the 3 weeks cost like $500. Where the fuck am I going to get this money from. I don't have private health fund.

I'm seeing the doctor on Monday 10am, which I can't wait to go to because it signifies another 3 weeks, a quarter of the way through. I don't even want to see friends right now, I like to be by myself because I can't show this side of me to anyone.

Filling the emotional gap.

So I recently went home with a guy.

Yeah, I don't really know how to start this story.

Basically, here is the very short version of it. I had been talking to this guy for a while, texting, of course some of it was dirty talk, but there was also cute texts in there. Cute does not equate to fuck buddy. I don't know, that's just my opinion. Compliments, asking how's your day, how was your Xmas, FAMILY, no. Ok maybe I'm being a bit over the top, but if I want to simply root and boot you, I'm going to ask you "What you up to today?" "Nothing" "Come over". Do not drag me on for 3 fucking weeks asking me about my sick father and about what a smart boy I am. You don't care about my brain when you're in me. Ugh.

Excuse my French and my horrible language but it just agitates me. It agitates me how when guys aren't upfront with what they want it's confusing to know where you stand but also when guys know what they want and it's not quite on the same page as yourself, you seem to lash out at them for something that's not really their fault..

I'm not going to lie. I love sex. I love having one night stands sometimes. I like meeting new people, hitting it off and banging. Not gonna lie. 

Ok I left this post as a draft for about a week, I totally forgot about it.

But I actually ended up seeing him out one night and he totally gave me a half assed hi. Ok douche bag. I'm just gonna keep him as a "if I'm bored I'll hit you up" sorta thing, not worth the trouble. Leading on cunt.